jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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