whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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