I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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