Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
