Kiss
Puke
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
