listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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