If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
