All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
