why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
