Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
