She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Boobs are out for the taking
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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