You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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