I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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