Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
