My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
