I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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