My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
