it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
