what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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