There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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