I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
