There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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