you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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