I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You left your phone here
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