Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Randomize
