Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
