Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
