How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
