the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
