So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
