and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
