i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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