fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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