Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Randomize
