I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
