I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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