whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
