I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
