apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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