just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
