That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
