i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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