we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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