This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
