so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
