I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
