y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
