he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
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