we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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