Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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