I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
