What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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