Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
