I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
