im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
