u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize
